How to stay single


Embrace the solo life!

Are you a serial dater or a chronic monogamist?

Does every relationship end with tragedy and despair?

If that sounds familiar, maybe it’s time to start rolling solo.

In this article, I’m going to share 4 tips and tricks on how to stay off the market.

Tip #1: Never Brush Your Teeth 

Really it’s that simple, just don’t brush your teeth.

Do you think someone wants to date someone with unbearable breath?

Heads up, no, they don’t.

Future relationship candidates will steer clear due to your horrible personal hygiene.

No one wants to kiss someone with bad breath!

While this may be difficult for you as you also have to endure the taste of morning breath, it’s a small price to pay for freedom.

Fun fact about this tip: you never have to buy toothpaste!

Better yet, you don’t pay for any future dental appointments. Saving money has never been easier!

No clingy partner and I get to save money? Count me in!

Tip #2: Refuse to leave your house. 

You can’t meet people if you don’t leave your house, right?

By never leaving your home, you can avoid all the awkward dates the world has to offer and you can live in your pajamas.

In today’s technological world we don’t really need to leave!

Hungry? Doordash. Bored? Netflix.

It’s really all that simple!

Who needs a relationship when you can get food delivered in 30 minutes or less?

Trust me, pizza and all the streaming services the world has to offer can keep you company.

Really your home should be the true love of your life.

Tip #3:  Quit your good paying job to become a ghost buster. 

Spending your nights in a creepy house looking for something that may or may not be real may be a turn off.

Working for something that isn’t even recognized as a legal profession so you can’t get paid?

That’s real single life material.

This tip may be hard to do as finding customers may be pretty difficult, so this is for the people who are SUPER serious about staying single.

On the bright side, after you manage to win some of your friends back after agreeing to wear a mask and chew a mint before they come over, you could have some really great stories to tell.

Also, I bet your parents would really love this tip too!

Tip 4#: Start saying everything that’s on your mind. 

Lots of folks think this is a really good trait to have to keep a relationship, but I can promise you it’s not.

If you want to stay single just start sharing everything that’s on your mind!

Does your friend’s hair look like a rats nest today? Tell them in the most descriptive way possible!

Do you think your sister’s new boyfriend is pathetic and a waste of her time? Tell everyone at brunch!

Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean you always have to tell the truth.

Great lies come to mind sometimes too.

Have a totally made up rumor about your best friend brewing up for months? Tell the whole school!

It’s really that easy, and soon after implementing this tip into your life, those singles will be looking to mingle with someone else.

Bonus tip: Disregard everyone’s feelings. 

I’m feeling extremely generous today and decided to give a tip that will help you make sure you stay single for the rest of your days.

Don’t think about anyone else but yourself.

If you choose to use this tip make sure this is the first thing you do because this will make every other tip you try much easier.

People are constantly assaulted by the stench of your poor hygiene? OK, so?

People think you have become a homebody and are disappointed they never see you leave the house? Not your problem!

People think your stupid for abandoning a perfectly good career to become a ghost buster? They should’ve asked when you cared.

Disregarding all others feelings will help you achieve all these tips I gave you with the least emotional damage (to yourself of course.)

This tip will really help you in the long run especially when people start to assume that you’re taking being single too far and that you need to seek professional help.