In a recent flurry of personnel activity, the University of Michigan announced two new hires to the football program.

The first, Mr. Paul Adas, English teacher, accepted the position of Assistant Head Coach of Morale and Self-Esteem for the football team.

Adas also coaches the boys’ cross country, basketball, and track and field teams at Kearsley. He has resigned those positions, effective immediately.

During an 11 p.m. press conference on March 31, with many major TV and radio stations hanging on every word, a Michigan spokesman announced that several assistant directors in the sports department would be cut in order to make room for the “new talent.”

“We are honored to have such a fine gentlemen entering our football program at this point in time,” Ms. Rita Dunworth, deputy assistant athletics director, said. “Our football team has been struggling recently, and we have decided to ensure its future success at any cost.”

The most surprising twist was when the conference ended with the announcement that Mr. Mark Dantonio resigned his position as head coach of Michigan State University’s football team to assist Michigan’s head coach, Mr. Jim Harbaugh.

“This unprecedented move by the University is a large step forward in interscholastic cooperation and competition,” one University spokesperson who wanted to remain anonymous said.

Students at Kearsley are rather confused by the appointments, but they are much less concerned about the bitter rivalry between MSU and U of M than they are about the appointment of Adas.

Senior Jacob Murray is perplexed.

“He’s funny and all, but I just don’t think he’s qualified to do anything related to sports,” Murray said. “We always talk behind his back about how little he really knows about football, but it’s hard not to laugh when he talks about it in class.”

When asked to respond to Murray’s comments, Adas dismissed the insult with a wave of the hand.

“It’s all just denial. These kids wouldn’t know football if it hit them in the back of the head,” Adas said, proving his point by tossing a copy of “The Crucible” at an unsuspecting student’s head.

Adas said he has great plans for his new career.

“I’m going to instill in them (university football players) the ability to accept losing,” Adas said. “My goal is to raise their self-esteem so they are happier if they lose.”

Of course, if you are an MSU or U of M football, fan, no need to worry about any of this.  After all, it is April Fools’ Day.

Hope you enjoyed this fictitious story.